2012年3月9日星期五
new english version:D
The introductory phrase: The host asked: the cat can climb a tree?Eagles Responder: Yes! Moderator: an example! Eagle tears: That year, I was asleep, the cat climbed a tree ... and then there is an owl ...
1 January is a month of rare are no longer concerned about tickets, because tickets are not even home to buy.
2, a man candidates, the manageress asked what his specialty.The man said: "lower body strengths." Manageress: "rogue, indecent ......" man angrily: "Who rogue, who is dirty, I said my legs how ..."
3, [Lu Wentao Who are they? The]'s Hot, "Lu Wentao" Who are you? The first floor of the brother that everyone net brother, always accounted for the sofa and message to be stroking the dog's head on the second floor, a few days ago did not want to Mashiqianti error of 0.1 seconds accounted for a sofa, and touch the second floor of his their own dog's head, users have finally caught him, and quickly discredit, set off a touch Lu Wentao nugget craze.
4 yesterday, a male guests from Chaozhou female guests "must be a boy, I asked," If your wife is not beget the boy what can we do? ", He said," We Chaoshan must be a boy, I asked "boy born not divorce?" he said Chaoshan not divorce, but it must be a boy, I asked, "If it is born not boys?", he said, "must be a boy, this is our Chaoshan The tradition of the people.
5, there is a tiger cold, want to eat panda, panda cry: "Are you cold, why to eat me?" Tiger said: "the ads say, the cold is necessary to eat the white with black!
6, a child downstairs in the shop to buy drinks. The shopkeeper gave him a bottle, then the child said no money. Shopkeeper angrily threatened: "to find your mother had no money to go!" When a child is scared cap came off the ground. Pick it up: Another bottle! So the cap to the owner and left happily. Leaving the owner bewildered ...
7, pharaoh to enter the fourth decade, the more he felt his ears regardless of use, therefore, he went to the hospital. Pharaoh: "Doctor, my ear more and more to die, I could not even fart sounds, can be heard." Doctor: "You take this drug to see the situation may be improving." Pharaoh: "I ear disease can be cured? "Doctor:" That may not, but you can make your fart sound a little larger.
8, yesterday collar votes, the front is a migrant workers, he asked all the trips have been an answer: "No," he overwhelmed: "home for the holiday!" See I have successfully received the votes of pitchedhe like to find a savior laughed, and asked under this little girl so know! I left when told he has to register online, online banking payment, he was ignorant to say: I, I will not ... "
9, the so-called review, use economics to explain, is a standard Prisoner's Dilemma. If agreement is reached do not review, then everyone will: but for the dominant strategy, everyone chose the review, the result is that the overall interests of everyone ... Even worse, the problem is, this is satisfied even balance, everyone there is no stimulus to change existing state ... so it was painful review ...
10, high school, a math test, everyone buried fired off letters, I suddenly wanted to fart, but because of the too quiet around, trying to use a cough fart sound security cover in the past, who wants to cough finished. only delay the arrival of a loud fart, the whole class burst out laughing, math teacher with a smile of her glasses, said two words, the time difference.
11, the month of cell phone did not ring, and, Na Quxiu today the results of the maintenance master said the phone is not bad, but more than a month did not call in nothing, I direct will give master knelt down and begged him not to mention the ... ...
12, I think someone wanted to make "Dragon fly A" sequel, called "Dragon Flying B", I secretly pray, or do not shoot the third episode.
13, time to attend the make-up, half way met a fellow student, he asked: "hanging a few subjects?" I said: "two subjects, do you?" He said: "one of the subjects did not hang." I said: "powerful! Second Section "then went to make-up, found him out from the examination room, I asked:" Did not you say that a subject did not hang you? "He said:" Yes, a Division did not hang, the other hung up ... "
14 yesterday, walking with a girl, and she said so cold, I said to her: "Have you heard of this piece did not, said a man and a woman walk, the girls said the cold. Ordinary youth took off his clothes to put on to her. The young artists unlock their own clothes and held her arms, "said the young man:" You learn, Leap is not cold. Then she laughed for a while, said: "There are a fool than young a joke."
15 noon, the elective exams, the strange number calls, hang up, back to the message "What is it? Examination", received a text message tomorrow to send you express it, a good test.
16, has always insisted on taking a bath with cold water, Cawan who habitually end of a pot of cold water washed down from the body, last night did not know how the residual brain Flush the water to get dressed, pick up a pot of water ready to wash foot, the result · · · · · · suddenly fell on the body, I faint ah, lying in bed today, baked my clothes on the radiator.
17, my junior high school had never been seen at the same table is always more than once told me to see a joke from Erqi Road Forum. Each Xiaofan Tian. In addition, most of the jokes I've told him ... That was a difficult time, LZ rather die than live.
18 back Gongjin the year, the Joe early married, majestic English.Guam towels, laughing, knees, an arrow ...
19 bed in the morning, open the phone and saw snow. So he took the package tightly to go to work. Along the way the sun is shining, not quite right. Open the phone a closer look: rub, turned out to be 24 solar terms of the snow.
20, once class leadership to go out drinking, drunk squad leader, to crawl back to school, so we stepped forward to raise him, I did not expect, he said: "Do not worry me, I was leaning on the wall to govery safe. "
21 as an assistant to the boss. New Year's employees leave. My boss in finishing the warehouse. The ground is relatively clean ... just sat there finishing ... finally finishing over one morning. Up. We all know that. Up sitting on the ground when finishing under pants ... boss and I are finishing trousers. Because familiar. I am on the way to the belt tightened. At this time the boss came ... see us in their respective organize their own clothes. The key to my belt not tie finished. Boss that livid face ...
22, the office has a sister, sturdy. The recent cold weather, to see her sitting on the bench, tapping your foot. Ask, how? A: urinary urgency. Q: Why not go to solve? A: Retention and heating.
23, Xiao Ming just got home, my father asked: so come back later, not to suffer the teacher fined it? Xiao Ming did not speak, nodded.His father asked: Why? Xiao Ming: The teacher asked me 2 + 3 equal to a few, I say equal to 5. Dad: Yes, ah? Xiao Ming: Later the teacher asked, 3 + 2 is equal to a few? Dad: What the fuck? Little said: Dad, I have also said ...
24, my password is very simple, my girlfriend's initials plus birthday ... so ... I developed a good habit of frequently changed passwords.
25 men for World of Warcraft, to give up their studies, to give up work, give up the blind date ... sister angry: not a game. The man answered: a woman is good, but can not let my 30 bucks to play 4000 minutes. Sister, after hearing angrily: you can his aging mother once playing 4000 minutes, his aging mother to lose out your 30!
26, the beautiful call to her husband: "My husband, my car was pushed!" Hurriedly asked her husband: "Are you okay, Whose responsibility is it?" Beauty replied: "No more big, it is my responsibility." Husband asked: "Do a bit of responsibility of each other?" beautiful answer: "responsibility." My husband felt very strange, and asked: "the other side open what kind of car?" beauty: "The other side is a wall." the other wall ......
27, a newly pregnant colleague, and another female colleague home from work to play, and suddenly a Great Bend, 2 individuals crowded together. The colleague said: Ah, we three are pushed together to go. The driver was very frightened: you are not up to 2 people?
My Chinese name is 28, had children, the English name of the pass, the Japanese name is not linked to the Branch sub Korean name Smecta Indian name had children Asan, the Russian name will Castro Minkowski.
29, a friend said: "the last ten years I've worked hard every test will be copied, for what, is it for me?! Is not in order to improve the equalization of classes, classroom teachers face in order to gradeDirector Pingxianpingyou, principals go to Department of Education meeting face bar type. each copy of the frightened, sweating covered, I said that a complaint? selfless to the point where you want me how!
30, sometimes in language examination paper, I always feel that they are British. In English examination paper, I also feel that they change back to the Chinese people. When in the face of mathematics examination paper, I suddenly found himself an alien
1 January is a month of rare are no longer concerned about tickets, because tickets are not even home to buy.
2, a man candidates, the manageress asked what his specialty.The man said: "lower body strengths." Manageress: "rogue, indecent ......" man angrily: "Who rogue, who is dirty, I said my legs how ..."
3, [Lu Wentao Who are they? The]'s Hot, "Lu Wentao" Who are you? The first floor of the brother that everyone net brother, always accounted for the sofa and message to be stroking the dog's head on the second floor, a few days ago did not want to Mashiqianti error of 0.1 seconds accounted for a sofa, and touch the second floor of his their own dog's head, users have finally caught him, and quickly discredit, set off a touch Lu Wentao nugget craze.
4 yesterday, a male guests from Chaozhou female guests "must be a boy, I asked," If your wife is not beget the boy what can we do? ", He said," We Chaoshan must be a boy, I asked "boy born not divorce?" he said Chaoshan not divorce, but it must be a boy, I asked, "If it is born not boys?", he said, "must be a boy, this is our Chaoshan The tradition of the people.
5, there is a tiger cold, want to eat panda, panda cry: "Are you cold, why to eat me?" Tiger said: "the ads say, the cold is necessary to eat the white with black!
6, a child downstairs in the shop to buy drinks. The shopkeeper gave him a bottle, then the child said no money. Shopkeeper angrily threatened: "to find your mother had no money to go!" When a child is scared cap came off the ground. Pick it up: Another bottle! So the cap to the owner and left happily. Leaving the owner bewildered ...
7, pharaoh to enter the fourth decade, the more he felt his ears regardless of use, therefore, he went to the hospital. Pharaoh: "Doctor, my ear more and more to die, I could not even fart sounds, can be heard." Doctor: "You take this drug to see the situation may be improving." Pharaoh: "I ear disease can be cured? "Doctor:" That may not, but you can make your fart sound a little larger.
8, yesterday collar votes, the front is a migrant workers, he asked all the trips have been an answer: "No," he overwhelmed: "home for the holiday!" See I have successfully received the votes of pitchedhe like to find a savior laughed, and asked under this little girl so know! I left when told he has to register online, online banking payment, he was ignorant to say: I, I will not ... "
9, the so-called review, use economics to explain, is a standard Prisoner's Dilemma. If agreement is reached do not review, then everyone will: but for the dominant strategy, everyone chose the review, the result is that the overall interests of everyone ... Even worse, the problem is, this is satisfied even balance, everyone there is no stimulus to change existing state ... so it was painful review ...
10, high school, a math test, everyone buried fired off letters, I suddenly wanted to fart, but because of the too quiet around, trying to use a cough fart sound security cover in the past, who wants to cough finished. only delay the arrival of a loud fart, the whole class burst out laughing, math teacher with a smile of her glasses, said two words, the time difference.
11, the month of cell phone did not ring, and, Na Quxiu today the results of the maintenance master said the phone is not bad, but more than a month did not call in nothing, I direct will give master knelt down and begged him not to mention the ... ...
12, I think someone wanted to make "Dragon fly A" sequel, called "Dragon Flying B", I secretly pray, or do not shoot the third episode.
13, time to attend the make-up, half way met a fellow student, he asked: "hanging a few subjects?" I said: "two subjects, do you?" He said: "one of the subjects did not hang." I said: "powerful! Second Section "then went to make-up, found him out from the examination room, I asked:" Did not you say that a subject did not hang you? "He said:" Yes, a Division did not hang, the other hung up ... "
14 yesterday, walking with a girl, and she said so cold, I said to her: "Have you heard of this piece did not, said a man and a woman walk, the girls said the cold. Ordinary youth took off his clothes to put on to her. The young artists unlock their own clothes and held her arms, "said the young man:" You learn, Leap is not cold. Then she laughed for a while, said: "There are a fool than young a joke."
15 noon, the elective exams, the strange number calls, hang up, back to the message "What is it? Examination", received a text message tomorrow to send you express it, a good test.
16, has always insisted on taking a bath with cold water, Cawan who habitually end of a pot of cold water washed down from the body, last night did not know how the residual brain Flush the water to get dressed, pick up a pot of water ready to wash foot, the result · · · · · · suddenly fell on the body, I faint ah, lying in bed today, baked my clothes on the radiator.
17, my junior high school had never been seen at the same table is always more than once told me to see a joke from Erqi Road Forum. Each Xiaofan Tian. In addition, most of the jokes I've told him ... That was a difficult time, LZ rather die than live.
18 back Gongjin the year, the Joe early married, majestic English.Guam towels, laughing, knees, an arrow ...
19 bed in the morning, open the phone and saw snow. So he took the package tightly to go to work. Along the way the sun is shining, not quite right. Open the phone a closer look: rub, turned out to be 24 solar terms of the snow.
20, once class leadership to go out drinking, drunk squad leader, to crawl back to school, so we stepped forward to raise him, I did not expect, he said: "Do not worry me, I was leaning on the wall to govery safe. "
21 as an assistant to the boss. New Year's employees leave. My boss in finishing the warehouse. The ground is relatively clean ... just sat there finishing ... finally finishing over one morning. Up. We all know that. Up sitting on the ground when finishing under pants ... boss and I are finishing trousers. Because familiar. I am on the way to the belt tightened. At this time the boss came ... see us in their respective organize their own clothes. The key to my belt not tie finished. Boss that livid face ...
22, the office has a sister, sturdy. The recent cold weather, to see her sitting on the bench, tapping your foot. Ask, how? A: urinary urgency. Q: Why not go to solve? A: Retention and heating.
23, Xiao Ming just got home, my father asked: so come back later, not to suffer the teacher fined it? Xiao Ming did not speak, nodded.His father asked: Why? Xiao Ming: The teacher asked me 2 + 3 equal to a few, I say equal to 5. Dad: Yes, ah? Xiao Ming: Later the teacher asked, 3 + 2 is equal to a few? Dad: What the fuck? Little said: Dad, I have also said ...
24, my password is very simple, my girlfriend's initials plus birthday ... so ... I developed a good habit of frequently changed passwords.
25 men for World of Warcraft, to give up their studies, to give up work, give up the blind date ... sister angry: not a game. The man answered: a woman is good, but can not let my 30 bucks to play 4000 minutes. Sister, after hearing angrily: you can his aging mother once playing 4000 minutes, his aging mother to lose out your 30!
26, the beautiful call to her husband: "My husband, my car was pushed!" Hurriedly asked her husband: "Are you okay, Whose responsibility is it?" Beauty replied: "No more big, it is my responsibility." Husband asked: "Do a bit of responsibility of each other?" beautiful answer: "responsibility." My husband felt very strange, and asked: "the other side open what kind of car?" beauty: "The other side is a wall." the other wall ......
27, a newly pregnant colleague, and another female colleague home from work to play, and suddenly a Great Bend, 2 individuals crowded together. The colleague said: Ah, we three are pushed together to go. The driver was very frightened: you are not up to 2 people?
My Chinese name is 28, had children, the English name of the pass, the Japanese name is not linked to the Branch sub Korean name Smecta Indian name had children Asan, the Russian name will Castro Minkowski.
29, a friend said: "the last ten years I've worked hard every test will be copied, for what, is it for me?! Is not in order to improve the equalization of classes, classroom teachers face in order to gradeDirector Pingxianpingyou, principals go to Department of Education meeting face bar type. each copy of the frightened, sweating covered, I said that a complaint? selfless to the point where you want me how!
30, sometimes in language examination paper, I always feel that they are British. In English examination paper, I also feel that they change back to the Chinese people. When in the face of mathematics examination paper, I suddenly found himself an alien
2012年3月8日星期四
a handsome post
1、一月是大家难得都不再关心船票的月份，因为连回家的车票都买不到。
2、一男子应聘，女经理问他有什么特长。男子说：“下身特长。”女经理：“流氓，下流……”男子怒道：“谁流氓了，谁下流了，我说我腿长怎么了……”
3、【卢文涛何许人也？】排在搜索热点第一的“卢文涛”是谁？这位哥就是人人网的一楼哥，总能占到沙发并留言要轻抚二楼的狗头，前几日不想马失前蹄，因零点一秒的误差被别人占了沙发，摸了二楼他自己的狗头，网友们终于抓到他了，迅速群起而攻之，掀起“摸卢文涛狗头”的热潮。
4、 昨天一个来自潮汕的男嘉宾对女嘉宾的要求是“必须生男孩”，我问“如果你老婆生不出男孩怎办？”，他说“我们潮汕人必须生男孩”，我问“生不出男孩离婚吗？”，他说“我们潮汕人不离婚，但必须生男孩”，我又问“如果就是生不出男孩呢？”，他说“必须生男孩，这是我们潮汕人的传统。
5、有一只老虎感冒了，想要吃掉熊猫，熊猫哭了：”你感冒了，干嘛要吃掉我呢？“ 老虎说：”广告上都说了，感冒就要吃白加黑！
6、有个小孩到楼下的小店买饮料。店主给他一瓶，然后小孩说没钱。 店主生气地威胁说：“没钱找你妈妈去！” 小孩被吓得瓶盖都掉地上了。捡起来一看：再来一瓶！于是把瓶盖给了店主，高高兴兴地走了。 留下店主一脸茫然……
7、老王进入不惑之年，他越发觉得自己的耳朵不管用了，因此，他到医院求诊。 老王：“医生，我的耳朵越来越不行了，最近我连自己放屁的声音，都听不到了。”医生：“你服用这药看看，情况可能好转。”老王：“我的耳病就能痊愈吗？” 医生：“那可能没办法，但是可以让你的屁声大一点儿。
8、昨天领票，前面是一位农民工，他问的所有车次都得到一个答复：“没有了！”他不知所措：“怎么回家过年啊！”看见我成功领到网订的票时，他像找到救星一样开心地笑了，等下问下这个小妹妹就知道了！我离开的时候告诉他要在网上注册，网银付款等等，他又懵了说：“我，我不会…”
9、所谓复习，用经济学解释，就是标准的囚徒困境。如果达成协议都不复习，那么大家都会过：但是出于占优策略，每个人都选择了复习，其结果就是，每个人组成的整体的利益受损了…更要命的问题是，在这个纳什平衡下，每个人是没有刺激去改变现有状态的…于是大家在痛苦的复习着…
10、高中时，一次数学测验上，大家都埋头奋笔疾书，我突然很想放屁，但是碍于周围太安静了，就想用一声咳嗽把屁声安全掩护过去，谁想，咳嗽声完毕，一个响亮的大屁才迟迟到来，全班哄堂大笑，数学老师面带微笑的扶了扶眼镜说了两个字，时差。
11、手机一个月没响过了，今天拿去修，结果维修师傅说手机没坏，只不过一个多月没人打电话进来罢了，我直接就给师傅跪下了，求他别说了……
12、想起有人说要拍《龙门飞甲》的续集，就叫《龙门飞乙》，我暗自祈祷，还是不要拍第三集了。
13、 一次去参加补考，在半路碰到一个同学他问：“挂了几科？”我说：“两科，你呢？”他说：“一科没挂。”我说：“厉害！”后来去补考第二科，发现他从考场出来，我问：“你不是说一科没挂吗？”他说：“是呀，就一科没挂，其他的全挂了……”
14、昨天跟一女生散步，她说好冷，我就和她说：“你听过这个段子没，说一对男女在散步，女生说好冷。普通青年就脱下衣服给她披上，文艺青年就解开自己衣服把她搂怀里，”二比青年说：“你学我，蹦蹦就不冷了”。然后她笑了一会，说：“还有个傻比青年说了个笑话。”
15、中午进行选修课考试中，陌生号来电，挂断，回短信”什么事？考试呢“，接到短信”那明天给你送快递吧，好好考。
16、一直坚持用凉水洗澡，擦完身上后习惯性的端一盆凉水从身上冲下，昨晚上也不知道怎么脑残了，冲完水穿好衣服了，又接了一盆水准备洗脚的，结果······一下子倒在了身上，我那个晕啊，今天躺在床上，暖气片上烤着我的衣服。
17、我初中那会儿 有个同桌 总是不止一遍的给我讲从二七路论坛上看到的的笑话 。他每次都会笑翻天。另外，大部分笑话 都是我以前告诉他的…… 那是段艰苦的岁月，LZ生不如死。
18、遥想公瑾当年，小乔初嫁了，雄姿英发。羽扇纶巾，谈笑间，膝盖中了一箭……
19、早上起床，打开手机一看，大雪。于是就把自己包的严严实实的去上班了。一路上发现艳阳高照的，不太对劲啊。再打开手机仔细一看：擦，原来是24节气的大雪。
20、一次，我们班委出去喝酒，班长喝醉了，他在地上爬着回学校，于是我们上前去扶他，没想到，他却说：“不用担心我，我是扶着墙走的，很安全。”
21、给老板当助理。元旦员工放假。我和老板娘在整理仓库。地面比较干净……就坐在那整理……一上午终于整理完了。起身。大家都知道。坐在地上起身的时候都会整理下裤子……于是我和老板娘都在整理裤子。因为很熟。我就顺便把腰带紧了紧。这时候老板进来了……看着我俩各自在整理自己的衣服。关键是我腰带还没扎完……老板那铁青的脸啊……
22、办公室有一姐，彪悍。最近天冷，看她坐在凳子上抖脚。问，怎么了？ 答：尿急。问：干嘛不去解决？答：留着，取暖。
23、小明刚回到家，爸爸就问到：今天那么晚回来，不是又挨老师罚了吧？小明没说话，点点头。爸爸问：为什么？小明：老师问我2+3等于几，我说等于5。爸爸：没错啊？小明：后来老师又问，3+2等于几？爸爸：这他妈的不是一样吗？小明说：爸爸，我也是这样说的…
24、 我的密码都很简单，都是我女朋友的姓名首字母加生日……所以……我养成了经常更换密码的好习惯。
25、男子因魔兽世界，放弃了学业，放弃了工作，放弃相亲…… 妹子愤怒了：不就是一个游戏么。 该男回答：女人虽好，但不能让我30块钱玩4000分钟…… 妹子听罢怒道：你要能把老娘一次玩4000分钟，老娘倒贴你30!
26、美女打电话给老公：“老公，我的车被撞了！”老公忙问：“你没事吧，是谁的责任？”美女回答：“没多大事，应该是我的责任。”老公又问：“难道对方一点责任也没有吗？”美女答：“一点责任也没有。”老公觉得很奇怪，问：“对方开的什么车啊？”美女答：“对方是墙。”对方是墙……
27、有个刚怀孕的同事，有次和另一个女同事下班打的回家，突然1个大拐弯，2个人挤到一起。同事说：哎呀，我们3个都挤到一起去了。司机很惊恐的说：你们不是上来2个人吗？
28、我的中文名是过儿，英文名是pass，日本名是不挂科子，韩国名要过思密达，印度名是过儿阿三，俄罗斯名字是必过特罗夫斯基。
29、某好友说：“这十几年来我辛辛苦苦的逢考必抄，为了什么，难道是为了我自己吗？！还不是为了提高班级的均分，为了任课老师的面子，为了年级主任的评先评优，为了校长去教育局开会有面子扎台型。每次抄的心惊胆战，满身虚汗，我有说过一句怨言吗？！无私到这个地步你还要我怎样！
30、有时候，在做语文卷子时，我总是觉得自己是英国人。而在做英语卷子时，我又觉得自己变回了中国人。而当我在面对数学卷子时，我顿时发现自己是外星人……
2、一男子应聘，女经理问他有什么特长。男子说：“下身特长。”女经理：“流氓，下流……”男子怒道：“谁流氓了，谁下流了，我说我腿长怎么了……”
3、【卢文涛何许人也？】排在搜索热点第一的“卢文涛”是谁？这位哥就是人人网的一楼哥，总能占到沙发并留言要轻抚二楼的狗头，前几日不想马失前蹄，因零点一秒的误差被别人占了沙发，摸了二楼他自己的狗头，网友们终于抓到他了，迅速群起而攻之，掀起“摸卢文涛狗头”的热潮。
4、 昨天一个来自潮汕的男嘉宾对女嘉宾的要求是“必须生男孩”，我问“如果你老婆生不出男孩怎办？”，他说“我们潮汕人必须生男孩”，我问“生不出男孩离婚吗？”，他说“我们潮汕人不离婚，但必须生男孩”，我又问“如果就是生不出男孩呢？”，他说“必须生男孩，这是我们潮汕人的传统。
5、有一只老虎感冒了，想要吃掉熊猫，熊猫哭了：”你感冒了，干嘛要吃掉我呢？“ 老虎说：”广告上都说了，感冒就要吃白加黑！
6、有个小孩到楼下的小店买饮料。店主给他一瓶，然后小孩说没钱。 店主生气地威胁说：“没钱找你妈妈去！” 小孩被吓得瓶盖都掉地上了。捡起来一看：再来一瓶！于是把瓶盖给了店主，高高兴兴地走了。 留下店主一脸茫然……
7、老王进入不惑之年，他越发觉得自己的耳朵不管用了，因此，他到医院求诊。 老王：“医生，我的耳朵越来越不行了，最近我连自己放屁的声音，都听不到了。”医生：“你服用这药看看，情况可能好转。”老王：“我的耳病就能痊愈吗？” 医生：“那可能没办法，但是可以让你的屁声大一点儿。
8、昨天领票，前面是一位农民工，他问的所有车次都得到一个答复：“没有了！”他不知所措：“怎么回家过年啊！”看见我成功领到网订的票时，他像找到救星一样开心地笑了，等下问下这个小妹妹就知道了！我离开的时候告诉他要在网上注册，网银付款等等，他又懵了说：“我，我不会…”
9、所谓复习，用经济学解释，就是标准的囚徒困境。如果达成协议都不复习，那么大家都会过：但是出于占优策略，每个人都选择了复习，其结果就是，每个人组成的整体的利益受损了…更要命的问题是，在这个纳什平衡下，每个人是没有刺激去改变现有状态的…于是大家在痛苦的复习着…
10、高中时，一次数学测验上，大家都埋头奋笔疾书，我突然很想放屁，但是碍于周围太安静了，就想用一声咳嗽把屁声安全掩护过去，谁想，咳嗽声完毕，一个响亮的大屁才迟迟到来，全班哄堂大笑，数学老师面带微笑的扶了扶眼镜说了两个字，时差。
11、手机一个月没响过了，今天拿去修，结果维修师傅说手机没坏，只不过一个多月没人打电话进来罢了，我直接就给师傅跪下了，求他别说了……
12、想起有人说要拍《龙门飞甲》的续集，就叫《龙门飞乙》，我暗自祈祷，还是不要拍第三集了。
13、 一次去参加补考，在半路碰到一个同学他问：“挂了几科？”我说：“两科，你呢？”他说：“一科没挂。”我说：“厉害！”后来去补考第二科，发现他从考场出来，我问：“你不是说一科没挂吗？”他说：“是呀，就一科没挂，其他的全挂了……”
14、昨天跟一女生散步，她说好冷，我就和她说：“你听过这个段子没，说一对男女在散步，女生说好冷。普通青年就脱下衣服给她披上，文艺青年就解开自己衣服把她搂怀里，”二比青年说：“你学我，蹦蹦就不冷了”。然后她笑了一会，说：“还有个傻比青年说了个笑话。”
15、中午进行选修课考试中，陌生号来电，挂断，回短信”什么事？考试呢“，接到短信”那明天给你送快递吧，好好考。
16、一直坚持用凉水洗澡，擦完身上后习惯性的端一盆凉水从身上冲下，昨晚上也不知道怎么脑残了，冲完水穿好衣服了，又接了一盆水准备洗脚的，结果······一下子倒在了身上，我那个晕啊，今天躺在床上，暖气片上烤着我的衣服。
17、我初中那会儿 有个同桌 总是不止一遍的给我讲从二七路论坛上看到的的笑话 。他每次都会笑翻天。另外，大部分笑话 都是我以前告诉他的…… 那是段艰苦的岁月，LZ生不如死。
18、遥想公瑾当年，小乔初嫁了，雄姿英发。羽扇纶巾，谈笑间，膝盖中了一箭……
19、早上起床，打开手机一看，大雪。于是就把自己包的严严实实的去上班了。一路上发现艳阳高照的，不太对劲啊。再打开手机仔细一看：擦，原来是24节气的大雪。
20、一次，我们班委出去喝酒，班长喝醉了，他在地上爬着回学校，于是我们上前去扶他，没想到，他却说：“不用担心我，我是扶着墙走的，很安全。”
21、给老板当助理。元旦员工放假。我和老板娘在整理仓库。地面比较干净……就坐在那整理……一上午终于整理完了。起身。大家都知道。坐在地上起身的时候都会整理下裤子……于是我和老板娘都在整理裤子。因为很熟。我就顺便把腰带紧了紧。这时候老板进来了……看着我俩各自在整理自己的衣服。关键是我腰带还没扎完……老板那铁青的脸啊……
22、办公室有一姐，彪悍。最近天冷，看她坐在凳子上抖脚。问，怎么了？ 答：尿急。问：干嘛不去解决？答：留着，取暖。
23、小明刚回到家，爸爸就问到：今天那么晚回来，不是又挨老师罚了吧？小明没说话，点点头。爸爸问：为什么？小明：老师问我2+3等于几，我说等于5。爸爸：没错啊？小明：后来老师又问，3+2等于几？爸爸：这他妈的不是一样吗？小明说：爸爸，我也是这样说的…
24、 我的密码都很简单，都是我女朋友的姓名首字母加生日……所以……我养成了经常更换密码的好习惯。
25、男子因魔兽世界，放弃了学业，放弃了工作，放弃相亲…… 妹子愤怒了：不就是一个游戏么。 该男回答：女人虽好，但不能让我30块钱玩4000分钟…… 妹子听罢怒道：你要能把老娘一次玩4000分钟，老娘倒贴你30!
26、美女打电话给老公：“老公，我的车被撞了！”老公忙问：“你没事吧，是谁的责任？”美女回答：“没多大事，应该是我的责任。”老公又问：“难道对方一点责任也没有吗？”美女答：“一点责任也没有。”老公觉得很奇怪，问：“对方开的什么车啊？”美女答：“对方是墙。”对方是墙……
27、有个刚怀孕的同事，有次和另一个女同事下班打的回家，突然1个大拐弯，2个人挤到一起。同事说：哎呀，我们3个都挤到一起去了。司机很惊恐的说：你们不是上来2个人吗？
28、我的中文名是过儿，英文名是pass，日本名是不挂科子，韩国名要过思密达，印度名是过儿阿三，俄罗斯名字是必过特罗夫斯基。
29、某好友说：“这十几年来我辛辛苦苦的逢考必抄，为了什么，难道是为了我自己吗？！还不是为了提高班级的均分，为了任课老师的面子，为了年级主任的评先评优，为了校长去教育局开会有面子扎台型。每次抄的心惊胆战，满身虚汗，我有说过一句怨言吗？！无私到这个地步你还要我怎样！
30、有时候，在做语文卷子时，我总是觉得自己是英国人。而在做英语卷子时，我又觉得自己变回了中国人。而当我在面对数学卷子时，我顿时发现自己是外星人……
2012年3月2日星期五
经典爆笑口误，就算郁闷看了也会乐翻天
1、小黑上街买菜，碰见他二舅了，张口就喊：“买舅啊，二菜！”街上人差点笑翻，没想到他二舅又来一句：“看你怎么大的话，连个人都不会说！！”
2、和同学吵架，急了，于是拍案而起：“你以为我是吃饭长大的啊！？”我一直纳闷他到底吃什么长大的。
3、偶有次开车，有个美女同事搭车，一坐我旁边，偶特紧张滴说：把安全套带上！美女以后再不理偶了。郁闷ING...
31、某君考驾驶证那天，特别紧张。考官为难他，叫他在路边有一个消防栓的地方停车。此君特紧张的说：“报告消防栓，路边有一个考官，不允许停车！”
37、高中时班上有个同学叫黄家健。某天上课没有到老班进教室后见他座位空着，就问了一句：“咦，黄家健人呢？全班大笑以后都叫他黄家贱人。”
40、朋友小孩半岁了，打电话去关心，寒暄了两句后，来了一句：“你的小孩现在是吃人奶还是你的奶？”
41、有一天傍晚，碰到个熟人，开口就说：“早啊！”
43、一天去逛街，尿急，发现前方一网吧，冲进门去对着网管大喊：“你们这个茅房的厕所在哪？”
44、政治老师有一次讲课的时候说：“下面我举个比方”，然后觉得不对，又说：“打个例子。”
45、初中的时候，老师叫翻译Who is this man?一同学翻译：这是谁的男人？全班大笑，老师无语……
59、小学时候有劳动课，一般都是除草，所以到了前一天放学时候老师就得提醒我们带锄头，第2天上劳动课了准备出发，老师便于管理就问了一句:“有多少人带了啊？带了手的把锄头举起来!”
60、大二有一阵儿特别喜欢和同宿舍的一个MM一起骑车出去逛街，收拾打扮漂亮后一起进了电梯，突然想起车好像没气儿了，就冲她说了句:“先陪我去打胎啊？”
就不信还没人加会员
4、我妈逛商城，在鞋柜看中一双鞋，脱口就问服务员：“这鞋多少钱一斤？？”
5、一次ktv,点歌，一mm大声喊：给我点一首周截棍的“双杰伦”......
6、小时候冰棍雪糕的一般都是推着自行车叫卖，有一次，在屋子里听一阿姨喊：新来的雪糕，热乎的。(估计阿姨以前是卖油饼油条的)
7、有一次寝室里同学的老妈打电话来，我习惯说“他不在”。但这次我想说“他已经出去了”。结果说成“他已经...不在了”
8、一次领导视察课间操，结束后，本应由体育老师宣布“解散”。但体育老师一紧张，忘词了，憋了半天，大喊：“撤退！”
9、我和爸妈一起看电视，我本来想说后天我过生日。结果电视里正好一女对一男说：“我们结婚吧”于是我脱口而出：“妈，我后天结婚！”（那时我上高中）
10、小时侯，一朋友找我们玩，说：“咱们玩老鸡捉小鹰吧！”
11、某日在米线店吃饭上得很慢很饿，终于按耐不住拍桌咆哮之，本来我是想说再不上米线我就把桌子掀了！结果说成：“老板!!!!再不上米线我就把桌子吃了!!!!”全店沉默3秒后爆笑到桌子下面……丢人……
12、我有次去买羊肉串伸出4个手指对老板说“来3根羊肉串”老板蒙了“几根？”我又伸出3个手指说“4根”……
13、我们的总经理姓周，一次他打电话来，我正开车，一紧张张口就说：“周总理…”
14、本人姓朱，管理单位机房。有次有人打我手机：“鸡科长，你在猪房吗？”当时狂骂那家伙一顿。
15、爸妈吵架，我爸气的说了句：“我给你滚出去！”
16、高中的时候打篮球，A得球后，无私的传给了B，B轻松进球．过了一会，B得球，A大声喊着把球传给他，B却自己把球投出。结果A大怒喊到：刚才真是瞎了我的狗眼……全场笑晕。
17、小学时，有天自习同学都在聊天没人学习，最后班长忍不住了，大叫到：“说话不许出声！！”
18、有一次别人来我阿姨家作客，刚进门，刚好我阿姨要去上厕所。她连忙招呼客人说：“你们先坐啊，我去厕所给你们倒点茶喝！”
19、中午做饭，妈妈给我一盆胡萝卜：“去，把胡萝卜切成肉丁！”
20、当年找工作时，主考官问我哪年毕业的。我本来是要说2000年的，结果一激动说：“两千年前。。。”更瀑布汗的是，主考官竟然噢了一声，说：“孔子的学生吧。”
21、和领导等众人喝酒，举起酒杯大声道：“让我们同归于尽吧！”当时脑子太热了......
22、买橘子，老板：一块五一斤。我：太贵了，五块钱三斤吧。老板：不行不行。
23、我有个朋友刚看过《射雕英雄传》，对“打狗棍法”非常感兴趣，经常跟别人开玩笑。一日，他又照例而为。踢了别人一下，大喝一声：“踢狗腿！”大家狂笑，他也觉尴尬，就又踢了一脚，大喊：“狗踢腿！”
24、一次去市场买菜，准备聚餐，一个韩国朋友买了生菜，要2块4，他把身上所有的零钱都给了小贩，还缺一毛钱，所以他对小贩说--“我的毛，都给你了，所以没有毛了。”小贩哑然，半天，回答--“你的毛我不要了。”
25、一个女孩失恋了，我劝她：“两条腿的蛤蟆不好找，三条腿的男的有的是！
26、高中时每人发个胸牌。。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来查拉。。全场鸦雀无声。。。
27、有一老师大概通宵麻将，见黑板没擦，大怒：“今天谁做庄啊？黑板都不擦！”
28、有一次我大叔见我小姑在搽大宝，突然大叫一声：“你皮肤这么好，还用护舒宝啊？”
29、老师留下作业，我不会做就抄别人的，然后去办公室交作业，看见老师说：“我抄完了！”
30、周末回家，晚饭后烟瘾犯了，打算借口去散步。在门口换鞋时，老爸问我干吗去？我说：""去散个烟！""结果老爸从我身上搜出一包白沙，狠狠K了我一顿。
31、某君考驾驶证那天，特别紧张。考官为难他，叫他在路边有一个消防栓的地方停车。此君特紧张的说：“报告消防栓，路边有一个考官，不允许停车！”
32、一次问一个近视的人眼睛多少度，他本想说400度的，结果一出口就成了400瓦，肚子痛死！
33、大学时候，听见一个女生点菜：师傅，炒一盘酸辣土豆丝，不要放土豆！
34、上大学时，一老师讲课，讲到一种新型的材料，说：“这种材料的性功能是旧材料不可比拟的……啊不对，性能和功能……”
35、工会主席一番慷慨激昂地演说之后，最后一句达到了高潮：同志们，让我们今年的工作做得比明年更好！全场皆倒。
36、一不熟的同事和我聊天，聊的内容无聊至极，净讲他和他女朋友怎么啦！怎么啦！我无言以对。待他讲了半天之后，看着我，意思可能是，他说这么多，我总该表表态吧！一瞬间，实在不知说什么，脱口竟然问了一句：“你女朋友是女的吧”？自己暴寒半天！
37、高中时班上有个同学叫黄家健。某天上课没有到老班进教室后见他座位空着，就问了一句：“咦，黄家健人呢？全班大笑以后都叫他黄家贱人。”
38、以前考试老师发卷子，后边的女生多拿了一张，高呼“老师，我有了，我有了”结果坐他旁边的男生说道：“是我的，是我的。”全班暴寒....
39、还有一次，我去买早餐，排队时发现平时不苟言笑的老板也在排队，于是非常紧张，打过招呼后，鼓起勇气对厨师说：“师傅麻烦来一杯包子，两个奶子！”呜。。两年来第一次听老板笑那么大声，郁闷！！
40、朋友小孩半岁了，打电话去关心，寒暄了两句后，来了一句：“你的小孩现在是吃人奶还是你的奶？”
41、有一天傍晚，碰到个熟人，开口就说：“早啊！”
42、晚上，一室友进屋大声宣布：“今天我看午夜版的美国凶铃了！”
43、一天去逛街，尿急，发现前方一网吧，冲进门去对着网管大喊：“你们这个茅房的厕所在哪？”
44、政治老师有一次讲课的时候说：“下面我举个比方”，然后觉得不对，又说：“打个例子。”
45、初中的时候，老师叫翻译Who is this man?一同学翻译：这是谁的男人？全班大笑，老师无语……
46、听同学说，一次她们宿舍的一个女生去买卫生巾， 对老板说：“一包卫生巾。”老板居然问：“要三鲜的还是麻辣的？” 然后那个同学愣了一下，说：“三鲜吧，我怕麻辣的我受不了”。。。
47、自习课的时候，下面同学很吵。班长怎么也控制不了，就干脆扯大嗓门说到：“你们再吵，就别怪我翻脸不是人了。”同学暴汗。。。
50、外地出差，经销商请吃饭。席间要欲小便，经销商说对面就有洗手间，你去的话如果给门口说，我们是对面吃饭的就可以免费。我们同事为了节约两毛钱，箭步直走，理直气壮地对管厕所的说：“我是来吃饭的！”
51、我是物流部的，过了年，客户打电话过来查询节前的货物什么时候到，因为过节这几天浑浑噩噩的，我也搞不清楚订单的内容，就顺口问了一句：您是什么东西？
47、自习课的时候，下面同学很吵。班长怎么也控制不了，就干脆扯大嗓门说到：“你们再吵，就别怪我翻脸不是人了。”同学暴汗。。。
48、在食堂排队，听见旁边一男生说：“师傅，来碗子弹菜花汤。”（紫菜蛋花汤）哈哈，笑得我喷汤了。
49、记得有一次语文老师点名的时候，是这样的：“1，2，3，4，5，6，7，8，9，10，J”停住了，我们暴笑......
49、记得有一次语文老师点名的时候，是这样的：“1，2，3，4，5，6，7，8，9，10，J”停住了，我们暴笑......
50、外地出差，经销商请吃饭。席间要欲小便，经销商说对面就有洗手间，你去的话如果给门口说，我们是对面吃饭的就可以免费。我们同事为了节约两毛钱，箭步直走，理直气壮地对管厕所的说：“我是来吃饭的！”
51、我是物流部的，过了年，客户打电话过来查询节前的货物什么时候到，因为过节这几天浑浑噩噩的，我也搞不清楚订单的内容，就顺口问了一句：您是什么东西？
52、中午在洗手间遇到同事，忽然不知道该用什么词打招呼，鬼使神差问了一问：“吃了吗？”问毕，懊恼不已，正难堪，同事回答到：“吃了，你呢？”我晕~~~~~~
53、我同事要问人民币跟日元的汇率，他开口就说，人猿跟日元怎么兑换的。
54、宿舍哥几个看《越狱》，演到一人从嘴里拿出刀片杀人的镜头，老大突然蹦出一句：“我K，把嘴藏在刀片里还能说话，服了。”
55、和一帮朋友吃饭，其中一个人估计是被兄弟出卖了，郁闷的不行闷头喝了不少啤酒，然后脸通红的站起来大吼一声：“兄弟，不是出来卖的！”估计原来是想说兄弟不是用来出卖的，当时偶们一桌十几个人就全趴了。
56、在实习的时候，对一个老师说：陈老师你是不是姓陈？
57、同事刚开始吃饭的时候电话铃响了，她说：“我KAO，一吃电话就来饭。”
58、单位祝词，一位领导说：“祝大家身体愉快……”憋住，没词了。
53、我同事要问人民币跟日元的汇率，他开口就说，人猿跟日元怎么兑换的。
54、宿舍哥几个看《越狱》，演到一人从嘴里拿出刀片杀人的镜头，老大突然蹦出一句：“我K，把嘴藏在刀片里还能说话，服了。”
55、和一帮朋友吃饭，其中一个人估计是被兄弟出卖了，郁闷的不行闷头喝了不少啤酒，然后脸通红的站起来大吼一声：“兄弟，不是出来卖的！”估计原来是想说兄弟不是用来出卖的，当时偶们一桌十几个人就全趴了。
56、在实习的时候，对一个老师说：陈老师你是不是姓陈？
57、同事刚开始吃饭的时候电话铃响了，她说：“我KAO，一吃电话就来饭。”
58、单位祝词，一位领导说：“祝大家身体愉快……”憋住，没词了。
59、小学时候有劳动课，一般都是除草，所以到了前一天放学时候老师就得提醒我们带锄头，第2天上劳动课了准备出发，老师便于管理就问了一句:“有多少人带了啊？带了手的把锄头举起来!”
60、大二有一阵儿特别喜欢和同宿舍的一个MM一起骑车出去逛街，收拾打扮漂亮后一起进了电梯，突然想起车好像没气儿了，就冲她说了句:“先陪我去打胎啊？”
就不信还没人加会员
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